As the Biblical Counselor at Faith Christian School, I often receive e-mails from parents expressing concern and reaching out to get help for their teen. Many of these e-mails might sound like this: “My daughter is really struggling with her emotions, and it is making school hard, and it is impacting everyone in our home. I have been trying to get her help, to find her a therapist only to hear that none of the offices I called are taking new patients. Then I heard that our school has a Biblical Counselor. I was wondering if you would counsel my daughter?” This dear parent was looking for a counselor for her daughter, someone other than a parent to solve her daughters’ issues.
I often see the depth of the love of these parents for their teens and their concern, yet they do not know where to turn to provide a safe place for their son or daughter to talk about the issues at home or at school. I am thankful that in God’s Sovereignty, I was able to connect with some of these families to offer them eternal hope for their teen and to point them to the gospel for solutions for their issues.
This has been a common request of parents who deeply care for their children; they want a voice that can speak into their kids’ lives other than their own. There may be various reasons for this, and I can empathize with this perspective. As our children grow up, they start seeking other voices to compare their lives to their growing knowledge of the world, as they are deceived regarding their hearts (Jer. 17:9) and lack understanding of wisdom (Prov.10:21).
When it comes to counseling for teens, there is a distinct difference from counseling adults. God has designed the parent-child relationship to be the most significant relationship in a teen's life, second only to their relationship with God. Therefore, any counseling for teens, especially from a biblical perspective, must not just include but actively involve parents. This unique role of parents in biblical counseling is crucial to the teen's spiritual and emotional growth.
Although the dynamic of counseling a teen with parents is different than from adult counseling there are some important similarities. There are three key aspects that remain consistent in both adult and teen counseling.
1. Teens and adults need the same biblical truth.
2. Teens and adults need accountability.
3. Teens and adults need to be counseled in God’s way.
Counseling from the sufficient word of God is true for all people, young or old men or women. But God, in His Sovereign and perfect love, has placed godly adults, specifically parents, in the lives of teen as their primary counselors and shepherd; examples of God’s character, to be a visible representation of an invisible God, their perfect Father. God has given teens parents/godly adults for their provision, protection, comfort, instruction, wisdom, discipline, and direction for a Godward life and blessing.
God’s good and ideal design for young people is to have a godly relationship with their parents, where there is a dad and a mom who knows them best. Parents or adults who understand the background of their life from birth to the present. Those who know their behavior patterns, health, and relationship issues. Parents are to be God’s representatives for His authority, love, and wisdom given to them through the power of the Holy Spirit in God’s Word. Parents, as shepherds, play a pivotal role in God’s design for their teens.
Throughout the Bible, we see examples of broken families and relationships, but God, in his Eternal plan, uses all things, even our brokenness, for His glory and our good (Rom. 8:28-29). Families come in many different shapes and sizes. Some families may have only one believing parent, or the child lives in dual homes, extended family, foster parents, or adoptive parents. Some families may not yet know God’s ways. Despite these variations, the norm is that God entrusts teens to parents to provide, instruct, disciple, and correct according to scripture. The good news is God’s word is sufficient for every family! God, in His power and creativity, has given families everything they need for life and godliness through His sufficient Word, Christ’s sufficient death and resurrection, and the Holy Spirit. God loves all families and can bring beauty from ashes, PRAISE THE LORD!
In some cases, the brokenness in the family can lead to abuse and we need to counsel based on God’s care for the vulnerable over God’s delegated authority in parenting. This may then require bringing in outside authorities. Biblical counselors are mandatory reporters. If you know or suspect abuse, you must report it to authorities who can investigate. You must protect the vulnerable. Knowing your counseling center or church's policy on mandatory reporting is important. Teens and children are vulnerable in our world, and sometimes, that means making courageous decisions to get authorities involved.
But for our purposes, where brokenness does not reach abuse, parents need to be a part of the solution, according to scripture. Teenagers are still under their parent’s legal protection that God has provided. Our role is to help the teens and parents work together to honor and glorify God in their relationship with one another and God.
Sometimes a frazzled parent does not feel equipped to help their teen and because of how their teen has rejected their help in the past, they do not feel that they can be of help. But because of how God values the parent-child relationship, I choose not to counsel a teen without a parent's involvement. Because of what God’s word says about the importance of the parent-child relationship, I would not counsel without a parent’s involvement.
Parents may not have thought through what counseling biblically means, So the first meeting with the mom and/or dad, can help to establish expectations and build a connection with the parents. The first session with parents is a great opportunity to offer hope, direction as well learn a lot about home life, things the teen would never tell you or not consider. You never know what God could do to change the parent’s heart in that first meeting. I have also found that having their pastor or youth pastor involved, if possible, is very helpful to accountability. Having the pastor involved can help to encourage the family and build up their faithfulness in church attendance or reinforce relationships through their church’s small groups.
Confidentiality is similar to counseling an adult as far as what is shared outside of the teen and parent counseling room. However, teen-to-parent confidentiality is different, as I share with parents and let the teen know I will communicate with her parents up front. It’s not that they cannot talk to me sometimes without the parent in the room to feel more comfortable speaking about the hard conversations. But I will encourage them to communicate with their parents; sometimes, that means being a mediator, and sometimes, it may mean making a safe path to biblical communication. These are the guidelines I try to use; they help keep things in the light, give opportunities to see hearts and desires, and if more help may be needed.
God’s Word says, “If at all possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18 says that it is our commitment to obey God’s Word, even when there is conflict between teens and their parents. We are ambassadors to Christ and want to bring about and work toward reconciliation (2 Cor 5:19-24). This is an awesome reason to have parents in the counseling room with their teens. We get to come alongside parents as they see parenting their teen biblically. This may mean that I counsel the parent/s alone for a time, to work on parenting issues that may be contributing to their teens problems or areas where they need equipping. It may also mean they will learn what it means to trust God with their teen to glorify God. We get to be an instrument in the redeemer's plan to point this precious family to live to please God by loving God first and then loving one another.
1. Counseling with parents and teens will help hold teens accountable and have authority in their lives daily to confirm information, expand on needed details and truths, and help ensure teens are working towards glorifying God.
2. Counseling with parents and teens can help the teen see that your agenda is not to side with the parent or side with them but to glorify God. You want to please God more than man, and that can encourage both parties to do the same.
3. Counseling with parents and teens can mean that the teen gets to have another adult listen to them in a way that maybe parents have not listened to, which may help them open up.
4. Counseling parents and teens may help the parent see a model of how to counsel their teen, what questions to ask, how to speak in kindness, and how to use scripture.
5. Counseling with parents and teens can be helpful to the counselor who can have teens and parents hold one another accountable, encouraging both to progress in homework.
6. Counseling with parents and teens can give parents an opportunity to receive the same counsel their teen is receiving, counsel they may not have sought in any other circumstance.
7. Counseling with parents and teens will help parents learn and practice accountability for communication and family devotions, leading to reconciliation.
8. Counseling with parents and teens allows parents to see their teens' hearts. If teens do not want biblical counsel or to come under authority, the counselor can continue to partner with parents as they parent a rebellious teen. We can come alongside them to help them remain faithful to God’s purposes and give them hope even in their family's trials.
While there are many scenarios in the complexity of counseling families, as all families are unique, God’s word is still sufficient for all things, including counseling teens and parents in life and godliness. Thank you, God, for that promise and powerful truth! What a blessing that we can offer God’s wisdom in God’s way, which is so much more robust than what the world has to offer to hurting families and teens. God is in the business of reconciliation and redeeming families for His Glory, and we can offer this to parents as they seek to love their children and find the best care that God has to offer. What a privilege!
I suspect all who read this article believe that “words matter.” Proverbs 18:19 says “Life and Death is in the power of the tongue.” James 3 uses the metaphors of a spark, a bit, and a rudder to show how something small can control large things or do catastrophic damage. Counselors, teachers of the Word of the Lord, must be especially careful because we incur a stricter judgment (James 3:1). Let us consider a few of our speaking opportunities.
Jesus’ substitutionary atonement allows his children to call him “Father,” (Rom 8:15; Gal 4:6) he “tells us that he will give good gifts,” (Matt 7:9-11) and promises to work in our lives “until the day of Christ” (Phil 1:6). Thus, we come boldly (Heb 4:16) casting our cares on him because he cares for us (1 Pet 5:7). We know we do not have because we do not ask (James 1:5-7). So, we do. We pray asking the Lord to help us in our weakness, comfort us in our sorrows, and do remarkable things around and in us. But we also come with a proper fear. We know the father’s discipline (Heb 12:4-11). While we cry out to him, there is a difference between expressing our heart and being mean, rude, or dismissive. We guard our tongue because our words to the Lord matter.
We encourage our family and friends (Eph 4:29) because we want to build them up using words that fit the moment. We tell our spouse and children that we love them, care for them, and will be a safe place for them even in sin and disobedience. We correct and rebuke like a good father or mother (Prov 13:24) because we fear where unchecked foolishness will lead. We know that our friends matter because we need them (Prov 18:24). We know that our words build relationships, and they tear them down. Words create meaningful friendships; and they divide even the closest families. Couples struggling in their marriage often believe that communication is a major problem. We are careful how we speak because words matter.
Our words matter to our counselees. We believe that we must listen to our counselees (Prov 18:13) before we give guidance. We even must be careful not to assume our counselees view of a situation is accurate (Prov. 18:17) because we have all been deceived. We know there may be other perspectives of the situation that may help us understand the situation more completely.
When we speak, we know our words matter. We pray our words are well received (Prov 25:11) and that they honor the Lord. We want to admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, and be patient with everyone (1 Thess 5:14). We want our speech to be with grace, as if seasoned with salt (Col 4:6) so that we can be wise. We know some suffer at the evil hands of others, while others are the very perpetrators of that evil. We want, before the Lord, to get it right. Our words to our counselees matter to God and to them.
I doubt anyone is surprised by what I wrote. In each of the previous examples, we were talking to someone. What about when we talk about someone? Do the same rules apply?
We have various levels of unity and agreement in our relationships. We are exclusive in some relationships (e.g., marriage), semi-exclusive in others (e.g., “children” is a term we also apply to spouses of our children and possibly friends of our children who we treat as if they are our own), and more open in still others (e.g., who we might consider a Christian and therefore a brother or sister in Christ).
In all these relationships, each person believes certain things for reasons. Our spouse might not agree with everything we think or believe. Our children may hold a conviction that we do not hold. We believe that everyone should study and then be convinced in their own mind that their path is honoring to the Lord (Romans 14). As a Baptist, individual soul liberty is one of our values.
What happens when we disagree? When does a disagreement produce a reason for name calling and labeling? Can a person be wrong without being a New Testament false teacher? Peter warns his readers of false teachers (2 Pet 2). He instructs them using strong terminology (“deny the master who bought them” v. 1, “the way of the truth will be maligned” v. 2; “keep the unrighteous under punishment for the day of judgement” v. 9, “unreasoning animals” v. 12, “springs without water” v. 17, etc.). Do those who believe in infant baptism call those who do not “false teachers” in the 2 Peter 2 sense? (Or vice versa).
When do we move from coming alongside a believer as Paul did with Peter (Gal 2:11-14) or Priscilla and Aquila did with Apollos (Acts 18:26) to treating the person like a wolf (false teacher) – a danger to everyone around?
These questions exist in our homes, ministries, and movements. The choices we make and the words we speak (or write) matter. If we choose the wrong approach, then we may contribute to godless division and allow the true danger to remain.
“I know God loves me but does He like me?” asked my counselee.
I will be honest and say that internally, I felt instant indignation. The term, ‘like’, falls so far beneath the idea of biblical love. Biblically speaking, I don’t know what it means. For me it was an unnecessary question, but for my counselee, it was a worthy exploration. I tried diligently to hear the question behind the question.
At a cursory glance, this seems like such a reasonable question, but with a full examination the question is without a doubt already answered inside God’s mind-boggling demonstration of love. My very existence sings amatus sum, amor, amabor– I was loved, I am loved, and I will be loved!
What does it mean to like someone? This is how I decided to define it.
It means that I want to be with them. I want to spend my time with them and I will move heaven and earth to ensure that it happens. I prefer them and I will arrange life so that they are with me. Does this not describe our God?
First, He decided to create mankind –in His image, I might add. God decided to make me like HIM. He was making a creature like HIMSELF. Though I am not suggesting we always get this right, I think I can safely say that humans prefer things that are like themselves. I definitely enjoy things and persons that are similar to me. If it were not so, then computer algorithms that lure us toward ‘common interest groups’ would not work. We pool on the internet around common interests and likes – not dislikes. Enter our God. HE creates what HE likes. After all He said it was very good. If I create something and call it very good, then I like it!
Not only did HE create me in His image, but God ensured my individual existence. He designed me especially. He could have made anybody but He made each of us individually and distinctly and keeps us alive. I, and only I, am me! There is only one God and there is only one me, handcrafted. Sometimes we handcraft things based on a special order but mostly we bring unique creations into being, that we yearn to make. We make it, we knit it, we carve it, we mold it, because we like the design. And so did God, when He made you and me.
He created me in His image, crafted me as an individual, and thirdly, HE rescued me from eternal misery. God saw that I would get into trouble and made provisions ahead of time. Even if I happened to live prior to Jesus coming to earth, my sins are covered. How often have humans remade this scene in the movies? The girl is falling or tripping down a flight of stairs, through space, off the train, off the roof, over her skates, out of her chair – you name the place. Enter the knight in shining armor, into whose arms she falls. It is classically love at first sight. That’s what God did. “I was pushed hard so that I was falling but the Lord helped me” (Psalm 118:13). I fell, He caught me. It is ‘like and love’, at first fall.
Fourthly, He’s working to fix up a place so we can be together. Listen to what He says so beautifully in John 14:1-3:
“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. 2 In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.”
And we should also consider the lovely prayer Jesus prays for us in John 17 where he says, “Father, I desire that they also, …may be with me where I am…”
Wow! He’s building a home for us. He wants to be with us. He wants us to be as loved as He is. I would make no such provision for persons I did not ‘like’, since we must use that word. I want to be with persons that I like. So does He.
Lastly, we see in His love letter, that HE left something for us to remember Him by. On earth, it’s often a necklace, or a ring or a jacket, or even a letter that I get to keep while my beloved goes away for a spell. Is it not the same with God? “I will not leave you alone”, He says. I will send you a comforter who will be with you and remind you of all I have said to you. Here’s a keepsake, the Holy Spirit, until I return. We rewrite God’s story over and over on the movie screen but we rename it and call it our own. It is God who always remembers us and reminds us of His love for us.
What is the conclusion of the matter? I would say it’s this: Jesus left his throne, came to earth for us and will return once more for us. I do NOT go to my happy place (my heavenly home) and then return to earth for people I don’t like.
Can I answer my counselee’s question now of whether He likes me? I think I can. That’s why I smile along with Peter when he pens:
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.”
So, as we pluck the petals from the flower and toss around the classic question whether He loves me or loves me not, and as we consider my definition of ‘like’ at the beginning, I would have to conclude and say to my counselee: HE loves me, HE loves me a lot! HE likes me, HE likes me more than I thought. God’s love subsumes like.
No, He is NOT a human that is currently present with me. I cannot equate my Lord’s desire for me with a human-to-human attraction, and I must remember that all of my human relationships are fleeting, inconsistent and temporary. Human attraction is not the standard but somehow a reflection of the Standard Relationship of Relationships. We only get a glimpse here on earth. Jesus Christ is the permanent, steady, everlasting bridegroom. And so, for the sake of Christ, I am content with my relational deficits here for He is coming for me and every eye will see. I will be with Him for He ‘likes’ me and is coming again. I wanna go back with HIM when He comes. How about you, counselee??
